Chemotherapy and Relaxation.

My first round of chemotherapy lasted for 7 days. The amount of drugs that they pump into you is mind boggling, and although these drugs are there to cure and heal you essentially it is killing all of the cells in your body first. It was terrifying every time I had to urinate I had to pee into a bottle which they would test to see if my kidneys were literally melting. Can you believe that yeah this drug is supposed to heal, among the other pleasant side effects are, hearing loss, deafness, hair loss, weight loss, nausea, kidney failure, blindness, seizures. BUT, it will heal you. I pushed through those seven days of chemotherapy. They were so hard. But I managed to get through. There were some really dark moments, times when you felt there was nothing you could do. Really there is nothing you can do but lie there and take the poison, think of better times and better days and pray for a brighter tomorrow. Sometimes it is so hard to stay positive and be the strength that you need to be. To stay in that positive head space where you know that yes this is going to heal me, yes this is really shitty and yes tomorrow is going to be a better brighter day. Always praying for better tomorrows. I pretty much quit eating inside the cancer ward. It is so hard to stomach anything when you are feeling so ill. In 7 days I lost 11 pounds, chemotherapy would make one hell of a diet supplement. During some of my darker days I would only leave the bed to go to the bathroom, you can feel your muscle mass just detiorating as you lie in bed with no energy, too sick too move lying there spitting into a cardboard tray. Chemotherapy is hell. The good doctor came in every morning to check on me and my progress, one morning when I was actually feeling kind of decent we got to talking about the chemotherapy and the cost of drugs. Just for the cost of the drugs that they were hanging in my IV for one round of chemo (7 day cycle was $30,000) I was blown away to know that. To think how many hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical scans, surgeries and treatments that I have recieved in the past 5 years. It made me humbled and ashamed for feeling so bad. I mean people who have to pay for their medical have it so much worse than I do. Yes what I am going through is not fair, not by a long shot, but things could be so much worse. After completing chemotherapy they started me on a steroid that boosts your white blood cell count and helps you recover, due to the chemo killing all of your white blood cells. Chemotherapy really does not descriminate, it kills cancer, it kills bone marrow, it kills white blood cells, it kills everything. Anyways the neupogen, you are supposed to inject yourself with it every night for 7 nights after your chemotherapy, only 1ml in a needle. How much does that 1ml cost? $1,200! Luckily my medical that I got through Thurber Engineering covered it, if it had not though I would have been on the hook for $28,900. I cannot imagine having to worry about raising money to buy medications while I am in such a terrible state. Again, I am so blessed, so lucky and things could be so much worse. Me and Lindsey then headed up north for some time off. The drive was very hard to deal with the motion sickness and coming down off of the chemotherapy drugs but I made it home finally, to the great white north, where the pace of life is more simple and easier to live with. My Grandparents were out of town because my great grandmother had passed away so we got to house sit for them, it was nice having a quiet place to stay and to get some alone time with Lindsey. After about a week of being off chemo my appetite has returned and I am feeling positive and hopeful again. My body is still pretty run down but it gets better with each and every day! My hair has really started to fall out, I can grab pieces and just pull it out, my head is starting to look patchy as the bald spots grow bigger and bigger, I am also losing my beard. I have 4 more days off before I start the next round of chemo and I could not be happier with the beautiful sunshine that has been happening every day here. I am dreading heading back to that place but right now it is 1000 kilometers away, it is out of my thoughts and I am happy, I feel healthy and I am looking forward to another gorgeous tomorrow. It may be silly to try and push the inevitable out of my mind but I do not want it tainting what time that I do have with negative connotation. As for today, it is a beautiful day, I am so lucky to have today,so lucky to be alive, my heart and spirits soar. Thank God for today!